You could be forgiven for reading this blog entry for Bleacher Report wherein it is posited that the fact that women exist in the world has every bearing on Tony Romo’s ability to play football, and thinking, Have I read this before? Because you have.
Here’s the story: if women would just not exist, Tony Romo would be the greatest quarterback who ever lived, full stop. Sadly, women do exist, and their every move can be scrutinized so that we may ascertain whether or not Tony Romo is going to suck at football this year. Everyone knows looking at the guy’s performance record would be a crap way to tell whether he’s going to keep sucking at football.
We first saw this with Jessica Simpson, that foul woman who had the nerve to attend Romo’s games when she was dating him, because everybody knows Tony Romo can’t play football if there are pretty girls watching. Pretty girls, why do you keep fucking up Tony Romo’s game? He is an amazing football player when you are not watching, super promise!
Anyway, this time it’s some dude writer named Eric Ball, who posits that because Romo got married this weekend, he’s suddenly going to not suck at football. Eric Ball is an amazing writer largely because he manages to cram in like sixty crappy, tired jokes about women into a blog item that’s about fifty words long. (Whereas I am a great writer because I’m good at math and counting.)
If “your” a Cowboy fan (and my a Cowboy fan, so I started reading), Ball writes:
No longer is he partying, hanging out with scores of models and actresses. Now he gets to sit at home on Saturday nights and watch Extreme Couponing with the wife. Going to a strip club where athletes seemingly always find trouble? That’s out of the question now. The biggest mystery of Romo’s life is finding the “beyond” section in Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Being boring is a good thing…think about how dry Peyton Manning is. Romo has no drama in his life except winning football games for the Cowboys. Expect a much more focused Romo that, combined with missing most of last season, will be as hungry as ever entering the 2011 NFL season.
As long as the late night Lifetime movie marathons don’t keep him up past his bedtime, Romo is going to be a better QB now that he is officially married.
I’m just thinking out loud here, but maybe Romo would be a better quarterback if he didn’t get injured all the fucking time, or practiced more, or … I don’t know, pretty much anything to do with football and nothing to do with whoever he’s dating? Of course, I am but a delicate flower of a woman, and maybe I’m wrong and being good at football has nothing to do with playing actual football and everything to do with buying high thread-count sheets with your wife. If that’s the case, I suggest Bed, Bath And Beyond look into a flagship storefront at Valley Ranch.
And hey, here we go: maybe if it really is the strip club bachelor life that keeps Tony Romo from being able to perform on Sundays, let’s consider the fact that perhaps it is Tony Romo’s fault for not being able to think with the head above his shoulders? If it’s women existing in the world that keeps Tony Romo from being able to play football, then the common denominator here is Tony Romo, not the women of the world who are involved in some mass conspiracy to keep the Dallas Cowboys as chairmen of the board of Sucky Team Incorporated.
Maybe, just maybe, really good football players, like the best football players, like the ones who should be quarterbacking in the NFL, are the ones who are just really freaking good at football despite outside factors? I can dream, I guess.
Here’s what’s missing from all this coverage of Tony Romo’s ability to play football: discussion of Tony Romo’s ability to play football. Of course, in order to do that you’d have to write thoughtfully and authoritatively about actual things to do with actual sports instead of cobbling together some lazy, stereotypical bullshit about dating and trying to make it be about sports.