An Austin bus driver who refused to take two women to Planned Parenthood last year–and was subsequently fired for, you know, not doing his job–sued Capital Area Rural Transit and has been awarded a $21,000 settlement. Edwin Graning, who can read minds and predict the future, was a driver on the CART rural routes that run infrequently and by request. Graning decided the two women he was picking up were headed to Planned Parenthood for an abortion, and so opted to leave them stranded as abortion is against his Christian religious beliefs.
(This is where we remind you that 97 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is not abortion-related and also that not all Planned Parenthood clinics provide abortion on-site. Because Planned Parenthood has to keep their abortion services separate from their non-abortion services, I think it’s likely that these two women were not even being taken to an abortion-providing facility.)
CART has said they only provided the settlement because it was cheaper than defending a lawsuit. But what about other CART drivers whose faith prevents them from being complicit in the potential and future sins of their passengers? I propose a questionnaire for riders so that bus drivers can be absolutely sure to avoid aiding and abetting things that displease the Lord. Something like:
1. Are you married? We regret to inform our passengers that we can only transport married individuals, as it lowers the likelihood they may fornicate once we have taken them to their destination.
2. Are you a woman? If yes, explain your need to leave the home.
2a. If you are leaving your home to purchase food, pick up a child or attend church services, please proceed to the back of the bus where you will be administered a pregnancy test. If you are not pregnant, a specially trained relief bus driver will also conduct a quick pelvic exam to determine whether your uncleanness demands you be seated in the “impure” section.
2b. If you are not leaving your home for any of the reasons enumerated in (2a), we regret to inform you that our bus driver worries that if he transports you from your home, you may end up lying, dishonoring your father or mother, eating shellfish, gossiping, cursing, or refraining from stoning an adulterer to death. For their own personal safety, and that of our sin-free passengers, bus drivers cannot operate their vehicles with such weight on their consciences. Please find alternate transportation.
3. Are you a man? If yes, please provide names, dates of birth and paternity verification for each of your children so that our bus drivers can be sure you are no one’s out-of-wedlock “baby daddy” headed out into the world to impregnate some future “baby mama.”
4. Because those who have sinned in the past are more likely to sin in the future, the rider will need to display for the driver a complete criminal background check, certified, which can be obtained at the downtown courthouse. If you cannot get to the downtown courthouse because you need a ride and we can’t take you because you haven’t been to the downtown courthouse to get your certified criminal background check, please arrange for alternative transportation.
5. Does the bus driver look fat in his or her uniform? Remember, lying is a sin.
6. Are you Jesus? Hop on!
Readers, any suggestions for further questions to ease CART drivers’ minds?